Monday, June 24, 2013

Changing Shape and Body Relationships, Slightly Thinner Fat Girl Perspective

I don't feel safe with TB because I do not trust myself.

The last time I was with him, I was broken and at the end of my capacity to manage anything more, and then I asked for a hug. And I was sleep deprived, and exhausted, and tapped out, and overwhelmed, and I did not let go. Worse than not letting go, I nuzzled into his neck and told him how incredible he smelled. And still he hugged me, letting me end the hug when I was ready.

Let me just take a moment to acknowledge how completely, fucking inappropriate this was on my part. Boundary. Violation. Big time. I kind of suck as a human being.

So, there I am, and we're discussing his friend, and I mention that I don't feel safe with BG, and TB says he doesn't find him threatening, which surprises me, and he says, "Well, it's not as though I'm in danger of him raping me," and I think, "Well, yeah. That's basically it, right? The man is incredibly sexually threatening to me, and I do not feel safe with him. And whether this is justified and fair or not, I'm trusting my gut, because I have too much experience with what happens when I do not trust my gut and give people the benefit of the doubt."

And I do not feel totally safe with TB. But not because of who TB is. Rather because of how I respond to him.

But then, this weird thing happened.

We walked down to the gas station to get a Diet Coke.

And on the walk back, we were waiting for the light at the intersection. The intersection is in the middle of an incline, and he was standing toward the top of the incline, towering over me.

I was so incredibly uncomfortable with this. And it largely boils down to the weight I've lost. Suddenly, I was acutely aware of my slightly diminished stature. Because of my smaller size, despite being faster and more agile and likely stronger, I feel physically more vulnerable. Which in turn leaves me feeling more emotionally vulnerable.

Then, later in the weekend, TB was showing me a YouTube video on his tablet. I was seated in the big chair, and he sat on the arm, and was leaning over me holding the tablet, and again, I was acutely aware of how much smaller my body is now than it was when I first visited him 9 months ago, and when I first met him nearly two years ago.

He feels correspondingly huger.

Which is weird. Because I do not know what it means, this change in our physical relatedness.

When he hugs me, he feels stronger. Which means the hug feels safer and warmer. I feel more protected and more sheltered in those hugs.

And yet, when it's just a matter of his being over me, physically, it totally freaks me out. There is no good reason for this. No reason at all, really.

I mean, on the one hand, I do not trust myself to always be able to act with the utmost respect in regards to maintaining super strict boundaries. With good reason. See above. I suck.

This was different.

I did not feel even remotely threatened by his being physically over me. But I do feel less safe in one more way that I cannot totally make any sense of.

Rather than feeling threatened, I was just physically aware of him and me and our respective bodies in a way I haven't been before. And I do not know what that means or how to process it.

Whatever. It's weird.

And that's basically it.

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