Do I Contradict Myself?

 Do I Contradict Myself?

My interiority is expansive.

I contain multitudes, each as vast as a galaxy.

They swirl within, each with its own unique characteristics and structure.

They dance around and with one another, peaceful and harmonious, irrespective of their contradictions.

Until they collide unexpectedly with the force of a nuclear explosion.

I believe in G-d.

I do not know who or what G-d is.

Or if G-d even exists.

I believe in the inherent goodness of all people.

And so many keep working to prove me wrong.

And I want so desperately to be right.

About this one thing only.

I’m happy to be wrong about 

the height of the Empire State Building 

or the length of the Mississippi River

or how many feet are in a mile

or why the earth spins 

and the age of the universe 

or the exact shade of the color of your eyes.

I find questions more interesting and satisfying than answers.

Except for the terrible, unanswerable questions.

I want answers.

Why?  How?  If G-d is love, then, what?

I have soundly rejected your god, the one you handed me, who was too small and mean to find space within me.  The one who, when asked, “How much more will you take from me?” replied, “I will take everything until you realize that I am enough.”

Fuck.  That.

Such a god is not loving.  This is a god whose name sounds like “power over” and “control.”

My G-d is not made of moving goalposts 

and tit-for-tat blessings 

doled out only to the pure and holy

which, in the places where you tried to teach me, meant

white

conservative 

virginal

straight (or convincingly pretending to be).

My G-d loves everyone 

and most especially 

the widow, the orphan, the poor and marginalized.

My G-d even loves those who are cruelest, 

most especially when I cannot.

My G-d empowers,

loves unconditionally,

is patient,

kind,

gentle,

and the only form of control is 

self-control.

When I sit in silence,

desperate for more 

softness 

love 

compassion 

and sounds of children’s laughter in this world,

I know that G-d is with me in the unbroken silence.

G-d is the unanswerable question: why?