Friday, May 9, 2014

Today, I Quit My Job

I lied to you and I am sorry.

It was always my intent to leave without telling anyone other than my boss, and so when it happened, and you knew it might, and you asked, I couldn't bear to tell you that, yes, I was leaving. I did not want to face it.

So, today, I quit my job. I gave my notice two and a half weeks ago and today, I walked out without a word to anyone else that it was my last day.

I lied to you, repeatedly. I am sorry that I lied. I did not want to face it, the end, the fact that I would not see you again. Magical thinking - the belief that if a person hopes for something enough or performs the right actions that an unavoidable event can be averted.

If you've ever read "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion, you might understand. It's like her husband's shoes. Though he had died quite suddenly, Joan wrote that she found herself unable to get rid of them when she was cleaning out his closet. Though she was able to remove his clothes and other personal effects after he had passed away, she could not get rid of his shoes because he would need them when he came home.

It was a bit like that for me. If I didn't tell anyone I was leaving, it wouldn't be real and I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss: not seeing you every day at work, not talking about our lives at those times when we could catch a moment to chat, not seeing your smile, not reaching beyond my comfort zone to touch you in a gesture of friendship that is bigger than you might realize....

If I didn't tell you I was leaving, I wouldn't have to miss you or think that you might miss me.

Magical thinking. If I can convince you it isn't real, then it can't hurt me.

I lied. I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me.

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