Today, I am happy. I am full of positive anticipation. I am excited. I am filled to the brim, overflowing, with joy!
And all of this anticipation, excitement, and joy remind me of...NBC.
Back in the late '80s and early '90s (when we had never had cable, and NBC was the only channel that came in half-way decent most days, and then there were the days when we didn't have electricity at all), NBC ran a Public Service Announcement campaign. (Apparently these continue today, but I haven't watched TV on a regular basis in years).
I do not remember the specifics of any of the PSAs shown. What I do remember is the Francis Bacon quote (Knowledge is power), the image of the shooting star, the jingle, and "The more you know...." followed by the peacock.
Francis Bacon stuck. "The more you know" stuck. There is nothing in this world that frustrates me so much as knowledge hoarding. It drives me crazy.
And there is nothing that delights me so much as figuring things out, knowing and understanding, gaining knowledge so that I am empowered.
That is how I feel now. Empowered. And empowerment fills me with positive anticipation, excitement, and joy!
This past Monday, I wrote a blog about body memory and the struggle I've been having lately. Now, many of my blog posts lately have been about body memory--PTSD and the issues triggered by weight loss, particularly proportionate body size differences, and how uncomfortable, fearful, and frustrated I feel when I'm in close proximity to men who are much larger than I am.
None of this, however, explained the underlying frustration, need for comfort, and absolute rage I was carrying with me all the time. Until I figured it out on Sunday. And I blogged about it on Monday morning.
Monday afternoon, I spent some time hanging with my bestie--an absolute rock star, a paragon of human kindness and love. I shared with her this experience I had had with realizing the connection between my emotional experience and my current body size and Tim.
She understood the extraordinary response I was having to the changes in my body. She asked how I thought I would respond when I reached a weight lighter than I've ever been in my adult life -- just 20 lbs away. I honestly told her I did not know. Trepidation was certainly on the menu, but other than that....
Then, I woke up on Tuesday. And I smiled all the way to work.
At first, I couldn't quite figure out why.
Then, I realized, it's because I knew. I knew why I was freaking out about my body. Even though the reason I'm freaking out sucks and nothing will ever change it, just knowing why was enough to resolve the freak out.
Suddenly, I was HAPPY with my body. I was THRILLED with the changes I was seeing. I was DELIGHTED by the fact that even my STFG clothes from 6 years ago are getting to be a bit baggy on me.
More than knowing why I was freaking out, I realized that I know a few other things:
- It's okay to be angry with God
- I already survived Tim's death
- It's okay to still be sad
- It's okay to miss Tim
- I am loved
I realized a few more things on my run:
- I do not care that I cannot yet run for a particularly long distance
- I do not care that my stride is relatively short
- I do not care that I cannot yet run particularly fast
Tim and I were working on "clearing the roadblocks" in my path to success. I remember after he died, when he visited me in a dream one night, as the dream was ending and he was leaving me, the last thing he said to me was this: Do not let my death become another roadblock.
Becoming the woman God created me to be means becoming the woman I am called to be in all aspects of my life: emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical.
Running makes me happy. I love it. I have missed it. I am happy to be back to it, even if I'm slow, and short-strided, and cannot go far.
What I'm most grateful for in this journey, though, is that while my body has always served me well (certainly much better than I have served my body) -- my body has always done what I have needed my body to do -- each day, my body does a little bit more of what I want it to do.
I'm breaking through all of those barriers. It may not be fast. It may not be easy. I may not do it in a refined or pretty fashion. But I know that I am not alone in this journey.
So, when I do lose another 20 lbs and my body is thinner, stronger, healthier than it has ever been, what I will be feeling is anticipation, empowerment, excitement, and JOY!