It is my birthday today. Because I am busy with life, and do not have internet at home, and the library is only open a short while longer, this will be short.
Being a year older, entering a new decade of life, having my age end in a zero, has brought about a life review.
Here it is:
I have done nothing of significance with my life thus far. I've frittered away 30 years. It's actually pretty damned depressing. What a crappy, crappy birthday.
I'm a thoroughly ordinary human being. I've never minded being thoroughly ordinary. Being ordinary means being invisible. Being invisible means being safe. But I always thought despite being so ordinary, I would, at least, have done something extraordinary.
When I thought I wanted to be a marine mammologist, I imagined that by this age I'd have discovered something amazing that completely changed the way the world considered the mammals residing in our oceans.
When I thought about becoming a lawyer, I imagined that by this age, I'd be fighting injustice, working for a group like The Innocence Project or IJM.
When I settled on seminary, I thought for sure that by this age, I'd be ministering to people, bringing the love and light of God into the lives of others.
What have I done? Not a single blessed thing. (Feel free to read that "blessed" as a profanity, by the way). Nothing.
This isn't the life I thought I would have. I have made no significant or lasting difference in the life of anyone. I matter to no one. Lots of people love me, this I know. But if I weren't alive today, if I hadn't been born on a Thursday morning in April 30 years ago today, I honestly believe the world would be no different.
And I have no idea how to change that.
I have no idea how to do anything extraordinary.
I have no idea how to make a difference in a single life, let alone the wider world.
But, I know that I'll celebrate my birthday with a dear friend tonight. I'll get up tomorrow, prepare fellowship for after church. I'll assist in worship at my church. After the service, I'll do it all over again at the care facility in town. Then, I'll rur back to the church to help my father finish serving/cleaning up after fellowship. And life will go on like always.
For the record, I'll be serving my church wonderful stuff most have likely never eaten. I feel I have an obligation to increase their collective palette. I'll be serving:
*Bacon Wrapped Dates Stuffed with Maytag Blue Cheese
*Caprese on a toothpick
*Brie and Figs on French Bread
*Cheese and Fruit (Pears and Grapes pared with Blue and Smoked Gouda)
*(Gluten Free) Scotcharoos (which everyone has eaten, but it's a favorite)
*(Gluten Free) Better Than Sex Cake
Maybe I should set my goals much lower for the next 30 years.
Here's to hoping 60 is significantly less than depressing than 30.